Waiting

I'm not going to lie...I think waiting sucks...to put it lightly and not lady-like. These last couple of weeks have been difficult and challenging in every way. I'm really not one to "air" my feelings into cyberspace...but I really don't feel like writing.
Last week we got a call that there was a BM that needed to make an adoption plan for her days old son or CYFD was going to take him. First the BM was already considering adoption...and was "leaning" towards picking us...but then decided to parent. Which is fine...it's her baby...her decision. All of her other children are in state custody. We were told if she did choose us...we would need to be there immediately...a 5 hour drive...etc.etc. I quickly realized that we weren't in a "stand-by-ready-at-the-door mode." I quickly and anxiously searched for newborn clothing...and all the works...found the infant carseat and soft blankets...newborn hats...and through them into the washer.  All of that stuff has been stored deep into the mess, we call the garage, and I haven't looked at that stuff in such a long time...I tried not to fantasize about a newborn baby..that may or not may be my future son. My son and I raced to the store to buy diapers, wipes, newborn care stuff...and sweet little booties. I didn't tell Jude what or who they were for. He longs for a sibling...and if it didn't work out...I couldn't bare to tell him. So I just said they were gifts...they were...I wasn't exactly lying. I came home and folded each item and placed them in a diaper bag....and stood back...looking at the fresh and nicely folded heap of items. It was hard.
Reality sets in. I know that we haven't been picked. I know that if she doesn't choose adoption...CYFD isn't going to wait long to take custody of the baby....and once that happens...we wouldn't be able to adopt him....he would be "in the system." Our social worker calls and says that they haven't heard anything and she would call me tomorrow. A glimmer of hope sparkled in the distance. I prayed all night.

Morning came...and so did the phone call. The BM wasn't able to make the decision to place her baby...so he's now in the custody of the state. My first reaction was sorrow...not for me...but for the BM. I can't imagine what she is feeling. First she decided to place her baby....then to parent....and then it was decided for her. I just can't imagine. I know what it feels like to lose a child...I've done it twice. But I never was able to hold them. I'm still praying for this BM...whom I've never met...and I hope that she gets her life back.

Now I have a nicely folded heap of  items...(which by the way...I was smart enough to buy in white, green and yellow)....which was quickly moved to the back bedroom...so I didn't have to pass by it 30 times a day...and re-live that I'm still waiting for my babies. Waiting sucks.

Oh wait I forgot to mention that during this time, I was supposed to make a trip to the location where my hubby is working to bring a load of stuff home. He only has one more week. I didn't want to leave and then we get a call that we need to be somewhere immediately. So we decided that I'd go the next day. My son ended up hurting his knee...and he may need surgery. Three years old...and may need knee surgery.
P.S. jumping over marbles to impress some pretty girls...is way overrated.

All I can say is this family is praying for a lot of miracles.